Am I Giving Enough?

August 25th, 2008

• Written by Robin Dowdy 

 

Am I giving enough?

Am I doing enough?

Am I being a good enough mother? 

These questions plague the serenity of all mothers at one time or another. They hit me when I leave my crying kids and go to work or take time for myself. They assault me when I yell at my kids in anger or when my kids are throwing the tenth or twentieth tantrum of the day over yet another minor detail and I am less than supportive.

 

While these nagging questions serve many purposes, one of the most important is the chance for me to step back and reflect on how I am being and to reaffirm that, yes, I am giving, doing, and being a good enough mother.

 

The moments when I feel like I have let my kids down will happen over and over in my life as a mother and there will be many times when, “no” is the answer to the questions above. No, I am not giving, doing, or being enough because I am completely spent. And even in those cases, the answer is still, “yes” because first and foremost, I, and all mothers, am human. We will fail our children again and again. My own faults range from unbearable to minor and they will affect my children’s lives. And, rather than being cause for despair or resignation, this fact is actually a cause for celebrating the love and connection that my faults invite me to embrace.

 

More important than what my faults are as a mother, is how I handle the situations that arise when they impact my kids. Each instance offers the opportunity for demonstration of what it means to extend and be love in the moments when I am most vulnerable to my own humanity. Admitting my own wrongdoing and asking forgiveness of my children teaches grace and humility. Changing my behavior over time and being transparent about that process builds trust and intimacy. Stopping in the midst of an angry tirade and taking a breath and gathering all in for hugs demonstrates that emotions are transient and though powerful, are not to be feared. Relating to my children’s mistakes and emotional ups and downs with empathy and loving boundaries rather than having to fix them to make my kids look good, teaches them acceptance and trust.

 

Though it feels awful to let my kids down in any way and I strive to do as little harm as possible, I am regularly reminded that through my being imperfect, I am allowing them to learn how to be with and move through their own imperfections and to know that love is present no matter what. Isn’t that better than having to be perfect and what we all want anyway?  

• Robin Dowdy is parent, educator, business owner and coach.
• You can reach her at:
• Shine Through Coaching, Seattle, WA
• 425.941.0819; robin.dowdy@gmail.com 

Single Parent on Vacation

August 11th, 2008

• This blog begins a set of entries about being human.  We’re all human, or at least I think we are (my husband sometimes tells me he’s from Pluto and sometimes I think he really might be).  In any case, I believe the more we allow ourselves to be human and support each other from this standpoint, rather than trying to be perfect, the happier and healthier we’ll be.
• I’m in Indiana lake country visiting family with my daughter.  Kent, my husband, needed to be home for work and we’re staying with my 85-year-old grandmother.  So I’m essentially a single parent for the week.
• I love my daughter Amelia more than words could say — honestly.  She is an amazing 4 year old with a loving heart, smart mind and sassy wit.  And, she is 4.  I forget this too often… when I expect her to put her dishes in the sink the first time I ask (rather than the 3rd time when I’m close to yelling), or get dressed quickly so she doesn’t miss her ride to school, or stop squealing in a high-pitched voice over that funny thing I don’t get that she made up.

• Anyway last night, tired and ready for some alone time, I forgot she was 4.  She said she was scared to go get nighttime books by herself.  I knew this cottage was a new place, but the light was on and the books were in plain sight just two steps away!  ”How could you be scared?!  There is nothing to be afraid of!” She pleaded and whined and I found myself raising my voice and threatening “No, I will not go with you.  This is ridiculous! There will be No Books if you don’t get out there and pick them out right NOW!” Amelia cried and I conceded and walked the two steps to the hall where the pile of books lay.
• I was feeling badly as she fell asleep on my shoulder mid-way through the second book, I confessed to the universe my less-than-patient mistakes of the night.  Then I asked for help from the I Ching (my trusted guide).  Question: Why do I get so worked up when I could simply help her?
• Answer:  Hexagram 35 - Progressing - change lines 1 & 3  Note: After many years of the Wilhem Baynes translation, I now like using Carol Anthony and Hannah Moog’s contemporary transmutation;  I CHING, The Oracle of the Cosmic Way.
• There were many nuggets of wisdom about change and growing-up, which I wrote in my journal.  And on page 301 I was hit with a brick.  Line 1  ”This line can point to a person who has been attempting to persuade, use leverage and contrivance, instill guilt, claim that there is something wrong with the other, argue, threaten or use physical force.”
• Yea, this was what I did.  Guilt, persuasion and threats can come out of me faster than a bullet from an AK40.  I suppose I come by it naturally through family, who got it from their family behavior (like a bad gene strain).  No matter why I do it, I know it’s wrong.

• I kissed my sleeping beauty still laying on my shoulder and told her that I’m sorry. Tomorrow I will need to tell her again so she can actually hear it, “Mommy messed up… I need to remember to be patient, even when I’m tired… I love you very much.”

Toy Storage Tips

July 24th, 2008

The Summer Fun Continues:

I’ve been having so much fun with my family this summer, it’s taken me a while to get this post out. So, here are my thoughts about good Toy Storage…

If you have kids, you know the TOY DILEMMA first hand. Summer time can often be a toy fest, outside, and inside!!

The truth is that our kids need more than one toy to engage and teach them all the cool things they want to learn, as well as occupy their time. This often leads to the dilemma: too many toys for one home to handle.

A few over-toyed reactions you may have tried to tame the mess:

1) YELL! “Clean up your toys! This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”

2) THREATEN — Keep the children inside, or at home until they pick up after themselves, leaving you stuck at home inside too.

3) IGNORE the ever-accumulating mass hoping your kids will act on their own — tripping over their stuff and aggravating you for who knows how long.

4) PICK-UP for them, creating a long-term dependency you may not like.

5) CREATE a beautiful system of toy organization that makes it easy and, dare I say, fun to put away.

You can guess which option I favor…

So what’s a family to do? The need for such solutions often inspires new clients to call Natural Balance Home & Office for help. Our method to the madness is below:

A) The first step is to SORT through all the toys you have and pair down the collection. DONATE any toys with playtime still in them, but that are no longer age-appropriate. With what’s left, figure out which toys go in which rooms: Play Room, Bedrooms, Family or Great Room. And, don’t forget to put the outside toys outside.

B) Now comes the fun part: creating a storage system (I always feel like a kid shopping for stickers when I get to this phase). The keys for good toy storage units are simple and should include:

• Separate containers so different types of toys can be grouped together.

• Storage/shelving for the containers — Large stacks of containers shoved in the closet will quickly turn into mayhem. And, if the toys are in a shared living space such as the Family/Living Room or Great Room, doors on the unit are highly recommended.

C) Containers can range in size and weight but the best ones have lids and are easy for your child to handle. They can be any material you want: wood, woven grass or fabric, or plastic. (Look at Storables, The Container Store, Ikea, or Target for various options).

I’ve found that fabric soft-sided containers are the best choice for larger items such as balls, stuffed animals, etc. – but they don’t stack and take up more space, so chose wisely.

D) Remember to REUSE and RECYCLE. You can re-use shoeboxes or Tupperware for smaller, craft-like items. You can even look through antique and thrift stores for a selection of unique boxes and decorate them to fit your and your children’s tastes.

E) Now that you have a system and some tools, you have to implement it. I’ll share some of the things I’ve learned raising my 4-year old so far (but I think they apply to all ages):

• Because you want the kids to learn to clean up after themselves, make sure they know the system. A great way to do this is to have them take part in choosing its components; some of them anyway!

• Remember to set expectations. Depending on how old your child is, give them a limit of how many projects they can have out at once. If they get to four on the floor, something has to be put away.

• Make sure the system is easy. If it takes more than 5-10 minutes to clean up, your kids won’t do it.

Be patient! This project can, in some ways, be more difficult than just clearing out your clutter. It takes time for a natural habit to develop – about 2-3 weeks. You’ll need to “push” the system until it takes hold. As you’re teaching, and re-teaching, just keep you eye on the prize — relaxing in your home without a mass of toys spread at your feet!!

If you want support finding patience, here are a few resources:

Books:
Love and Limits book review: www.parentingpress.com/b_love.html/
Parenting from the Inside Out: www.powells.com/biblio/1-1585422959-0/
Parenting modality Love and Logic: www.loveandlogic.com/

Websites:
Child Development Institute, Stress Management for Parents: http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/stress.shtml/

A muti-spiritual site, specific article: 7 Quick Ways to Calm Down:
http://www.beliefnet.com/gallery/calmdown.html?source=GOOGLE&campaign=097

&medium=CPC&nopop=1&SW.mc_id=GOOSWC097&WT.srch=1&gclid=CJKz58r

YgZQCFQwxiQodi3NEWQ/

Coaches and Counselors:

Robin Dowdy, M. Ed.
Shine Through Coaching
Seattle, WA
Robin Dowdy, parent, educator, business-owner and coach, has been facilitating the growth and development of individuals for almost 10 years.
When being coached by Robin parents are heard, supported, and empowered to transform their lives. She uses insight, powerful questions, humor and compassion to connect deeply with her clients. As a result of coaching, Robin’s clients achieve power, joy, and fulfillment.

Robin Offers:
∂ Introductory Sessions
∂ 6-Week Workshops
∂ Refresher Courses
For information about upcoming workshops or to have Robin come speak to your group, please contact Robin at: (425) 941-0819, robin.dowdy@gmail.com

Kaji Martinez MA, CMHS, LMHC
Achieving Inner Balance Counseling and Coaching
Seattle, WA

Martinez provides individual, couples and family counseling. She offers various modalities and works with blended, and multicultural families. As a Child Mental Health Specialist she also provides one on one therapeutic service to children. Parent coaching and education is offered to families in her office or the comfort of their home – creating a better understanding of family dynamics in a shorter time frame. Therapeutic plans are catered to each family and individual.

Free phone consultations are available to those who may be interested in seeking services.

Contact Kaji Martinez at (206) 715-0714, www.aibcounseling.com/

The Kids are Home

June 20th, 2008

Summer is here! For many of you that means daily routines are undergoing a dramatic change – your kids are out of school. Your home is about to become chock full of toys, games and kids. “Calgon, take me away!” (dating myself a little with this old 70’s commercial).

 

I’m a family person myself, and so are many of our clients at Natural Balance Home and Office. We’re used to maintaining a home with kids. But let’s face it, summer gets intense with all the action and stuff about, all the time!

 

Simple/ easy toy storage is key to peace of mind at home with kids, but I’m going to get into that next time… it deserves it’s own focus!

 

Today I want to talk about 30 minutes, or more, of “you time.” As parents, we tend to put everyone else first and this takes a toll on us. You know the count to ten rule before you lose your cool? 10 seconds works in an emergency, but doesn’t really help the root of the problem – your frazzled nerves. My suggestion is to set up a get-away space and a schedule that will support 30-90 minutes a day to clear your mind and spirit. There’s nothing wrong with creating a sanctuary space for yourself with a sign that says, “No Kids Allowed right now.”

 

Your peaceful sanctuary doesn’t have to mean adding a new room onto the house or building a new structure in the backyard. An existing space in your house can easily become a place of peace and tranquility: your bedroom, guest room, study, sun porch or a partially-finished room in the basement.

 

Here are a few tips to create your perfect retreat at home:

 

Use feng shui to help connect your space to you and the earth. With true north as the guide, map the bagua over your home to find out what “gua” (life theme area) your room is located in. You can use the color and natural element associated with this gua as inspiration for your get-away space. Download a bagua copy: www.naturalbalance9.com/feng-shui.htm/

 

Look at the color in your newly re-purposed space. Does the color fit the purpose? Using a room to get away and read, take a nap, practice your karate skills, blare music, dance, write or do yoga all require different moods and color will go a long way toward setting that mood. If the overall color makes you feel jangly and anxious, come up with a new palette for your space before doing anything else.

 

Lighting is also key for this room. You’ll want three different types: an overhead light, task lighting for reading, writing, etc, and ambient light which can be as simple as dimming the overhead lights or adding some up-lighting along the walls or in corners. This gives you control over the mood and functionality of the room.

 

Furniture is next on the list. You’ll want to fix the creaks and make sure it all looks pleasing to the eye. If that end table needs to be re-finished, do it! You don’t want to steal a few precious moments in your sanctuary just to be reminded of another project waiting for your attention (unless your sanctuary is a workshop). Take a close look at your storage units too. Are they functioning well or are you letting stuff pile up? If it’s the latter, think about finding a solution that works better for your needs.

 

Now that you have the basics in place, look at fabrics and accents in your room (window treatments, pillows, throws, rugs, etc). They can add color, softness and texture, all of which can add to the overall feel. When thinking about accents, you should also keep in mind how you’ll use the room. Do you expect to sit on the floor? Maybe a cushy throw rug would be better than the slotted bamboo one. For a space you’ll use for yoga, keeping the floor open for a sticky mat is a better decision.

 

Finally, artwork is an important part of any room, and should be in your get-away space too. Take your time with what you add to the walls and surfaces. Make sure they are pleasant to look at and emotionally supportive. Using the bagua for guidance, personal items can be placed to draw your attention to specific life goals and desires, making them a reality in your life. So, don’t just throw something on the wall that has not found a home elsewhere. Place the art in your private space to have a profound positive effect on your psyche.

 

Make way for “me too” time this summer. Have fun creating your get-away room!

 

 

 

A few great parenting resources:

 

Books:

Love and Limits book review:

www.parentingpress.com/b_love.html/

Parenting from the Inside Out:

www.powells.com/biblio/1-1585422959-0/

Parenting modality Love and Logic:

www.loveandlogic.com/

 

Websites:

Child Development Institute, Stress Management for Parents:

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/stress.shtml/

 

A muti-spiritual site, specific article: 7 Quick Ways to Calm Down:

http://www.beliefnet.com/gallery/calmdown.html?source=GOOGLE&campaign=097&medium=CPC&nopop=1&SW.mc_

id=GOOSWC097&WT.srch=1&gclid=CJKz58rYgZQCFQwxiQodi3NEWQ/

 

Coaches and Counselors:

Robin Dowdy, M. Ed.

Shine Through Coaching

Seattle, WA

Robin Dowdy, parent, educator, business-owner and coach, has been facilitating the growth and development of individuals for almost 10 years.

When being coached by Robin parents are heard, supported, and empowered to transform their lives. She uses insight, powerful questions, humor and compassion to connect deeply with her clients. As a result of coaching, Robin’s clients achieve power, joy, and fulfillment.

Robin Offers:

Introductory Sessions

6-Week Workshops

Refresher Courses

For information about upcoming workshops or to have Robin come speak to your group, please contact Robin at (425) 941-0819, robin.dowdy@gmail.com

 

 

Kaji Martinez MA, CMHS, LMHC

Achieving Inner Balance Counseling and Coaching

Seattle, WA

 

Martinez provides individual, couples and family counseling. She offers various modalities and works with blended, and multicultural families. As a Child Mental Health Specialist she also provides one on one therapeutic service to children. Parent coaching and education is offered to families in her office or the comfort of their home – creating a better understanding of family dynamics in a shorter time frame. Therapeutic plans are catered to each family and individual.

 

Free phone consultations are available to those who may be interested in seeking services.

Contact Kaji Martinez at (206) 715-0714, www.aibcounseling.com/

 

 

Selecting Green Furniture

June 3rd, 2008

 

 

I’m fascinated with the zero-footprint idea.  I find myself wanting to learn more and more.

So my last entry talked about going green with paint products, flooring and countertops that use fair, sustainable, non-toxic practices.  This time I want to talk about Green Furniture.

The commitment to green design factors includes the three Rs: REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE.  How does this apply to furniture?

 

REUSE.  Using what you already have in a new way is the easiest way to be green.  Ask yourself if what you already have  is functional but simply needs repair or a facelift. Many of the pieces we’ve lived and worked with for many years can become almost new when they are fixed, re-finished or re-upholstered.

Sometimes though, re-using something we already have simply won’t work. Repairs aren’t always inexpensive, furniture shapes may not match the style you’re going for, or it may simply be the wrong size. If this applies to you, then selling or donating your furniture so it can find a new life elsewhere is a great way to reduce the waste stream coming off a home or office design project.

 

         

 

RECYCLE.  When you’ve decided that reusing an object isn’t a viable option, shift your thinking toward recycling. This doesn’t have to mean reverting to your college dorm days and scouting out comfy chairs sitting on the side of the road with “Free” signs. Antique stores have practiced this sustainable art for as long as people have been designing living and work spaces. If antiques don’t suit your fancy, you can also look for design companies which re-use products to make new, sometimes funky, designs.

Still can’t find the exact right piece to fit in the space? Sometimes buying new is unavoidable. But doing so doesn’t have to mean buying couches soaked in hundreds of chemicals or a desk made of unpronounceable, man-made substances. There are a wide variety of sustainable, eco-focused furniture designers who create modern amazing work.  If you’re going to buy new, think long-term and buy a well-made piece you really love, even if it takes saving your money to get it.

GREEN WASHING. When looking for new, sustainable furniture, beware of  “green-washing” — when companies tout practices that simply aren’t sustainable. Look closely at products with sustainable claims (http://www.terrachoice.com/files/6_sins.pdf).  Furniture which is truly green will have Forest Stewardship Council-certified wood (www.fsc-us.org), be made with organic or recycled fabrics, come from a socially responsible manufacturer (as local as possible) and will have an open manufacturing process, open to inspection by customers.

 

To help you add the three Rs to your design process, here’s a list of some of our favorite suppliers:

 Upholsterers

Eidem Custom Upholstery  www.servicemagic.com/

AW Hoss and Sons  www.awhossandson.com

 Antiques/reclaimed suppliers:

Antique Liquidators  www.antiqueliquidators.com

Antika  www.antikaantiques.com

David Smith  www.davidsmithco.com/

Glenn Richards  www.glennrichards.com

 Recycled furniture

            Camelion Design  http://inballard.com/detail.php?id=cameliondesign

            City Trees Furniture   www.citytreesfurniture.com

 New products

Greener Lifestyles   www.greenerlifestyles.com

Soaring Heart  www.soaringheart.com

Terris Draheim  www.terrisdraheim.com

Feng Shui Marries Design and Sustainability

May 15th, 2008

Green design and feng shui is a marriage made in heaven, literally and figuratively. Mother nature is one of the most powerful forces I know, and honoring her with conscious decisions in our living and working spaces is not only necessary, but personally powerful.

The practice of feng shui is rooted in the earth and is literally the study of how energy moves between the different elements in nature. “Feng shui” translated, means “wind water.”

Today we use feng shui to create natural transitions in our buildings, homes, and landscapes. This helps energy move harmoniously through an urban or built environment and honors nature in our spaces.

Combining green design principles with feng shui makes your connection to nature and your home or office that much stronger, giving you super bonus points for personal and environmental empowerment.

In feng shui, assessing spaces using the Bagua, or feng-shui life map, helps us know which rooms in your home or office reflect certain life themes and cues us to the natural elements that will strengthen those areas.

Following are a few ways to integrate green design into your remodel or re-design project:

Paint is the first and easiest design material we can change. Old paints are stinky, toxic and difficult to dispose of because they are hazardous materials. Buy low or no-VOC paints; they’re better for the environment and our health. Note: Buyer beware, many no-VOC paints are poorer quality than standard latex paints because they tend to be thin, requiring multiple coats that are not scrubbable. One of the better brands out there is American Pride. Look for the line at your local environmental home store like Seattle’s Ecohaus.

Flooring offers designers and remodelers a number of material options. One of the most popular is bamboo because it is a fast-growing grass, sustainable and it comes in many forms including nail down and floatable flooring. Teragren is a Washington-owned company that makes bamboo flooring. Another is Bamboo Hardwoods. Other “green” options for your floors include reclaimed wood, FSC-certified wood, marmoleum (a natural linoleum), cork, wool carpet, recycled tile and concrete. Another note: The process for making concrete does produce a lot of greenhouse gases, but it is an extremely long-lasting material which lowers its lifecycle impacts and it can be recycled if it is ever removed.

Countertops can be made of all the same materials with the exception of bamboo, cork and wool, of course. Another option is Paperstone which is made of 100% post-consumer recycled paper and a resin made from the oil found in cashews. Squak Mountain Stone and Trinity Mountain Glass Products also make beautiful countertops produced from post-consumer and post-industrial materials.

Counters and floors all need to be sealed and this is where “green” products show more performance issues. While the petroleum sealants are longer lasting, they’re definitely more toxic than non-petroleum products. The non-petroleum options, such as linseed oil and waxes, perform well when re-applied about once or twice a year, but do lend them selves to a more natural look. No “green” product performs as “perfectly” as its less toxic/ sustainable counterpart. So when you’re putting together your designs, it’s important to think about where you will need more heat-, water- or wear-friendly materials. For instance, you might choose butcher block for the counter area right next to your stove because it responds to heat better than Paperstone, or flag stone in your entry before shoes are replaced with slippers.

In the end, it’s important to remember that using “green” products means incorporating the beauty of nature into your space. So while nature is not perfect, it does have stunning and graceful character. It’s up to you the amount of character you’re willing to live with.

Unclog your arteries, a mini lesson

April 21st, 2008

Clutter. Stuff. Most of us know it on some level. In the kitchen, in the entry, on the dining table, in the office, in the bedroom… ever-growing piles of mail, gadgets, files, clothes, you name it, it can clog the arteries of our homes and offices. (Piles beget piles).

All this clutter is filling up space that can be used more productively. It also looks bad, distracts us and blocks the natural flow of energy and plain ‘ol air trying to meander though the house. But spring is here and now is the perfect time to start clearing away some of that clutter to make room for fresh air, and new energy you need and want.

First of all, let’s talk about what clutter is. An item that is no longer useful, but is kept around for months or even years is clutter.

If clutter is largely made up of the things we no longer use, why keep it at all? Our reasons could be that we spent good money for it, we don’t want to waste the resources used to make it (or the money we spent), because someone gave it to us, it’s an antique, or we sincerely believe that we may need it someday, even if it’s 20 years from now.

The roots for these reasons can run deep in our psyche which can lead to clutter-clearing anxiety. But sorting through things to let some go doesn’t have to feel this way. Before starting, remember that the negative consequences of getting rid of any one item won’t be too bad. You may feel disappointment that a long-planned art project didn’t work out, but when you move that Key Chains of the World sculpture hanging outside your closet, you’re more likely to feel a sense of release and relief than anything else. It’s just like getting in shape, start small and build as you go. And, invite a friend, a clutter-clearing buddy to help –you can promise to help them with their stuff next week

When you’re ready to start block out at least two hours (three is better) and plan to start on just one small area in one room. Make sure you have a big clean spot in the hall to dump one drawer, shelf, or pile at a time. Sort things into bags or containers pre-labeled as: garbage, recycle, donate, return, sell, keep in this room, goes in another room, and “transition”. This last one has special rules if you’re going to use it, so go to our website and download our organizing tips.

Guilt will want to get the best of you, so ask your clutter-clearing buddy to help you stick to the guidelines of what to keep. Ask yourself these questions: Has it been used in the last year? If the answer is no, let it go. Is it useful on a regular basis? No means it has to go. (“But what about holiday decorations?” you ask. Well this might be one of those containers you don’t use often, but every year it comes out of the basement or attic, so it can stay.) Another question to ask yourself is: Does it make a unique or personal contribution to my life? This is great to ask of antiques and family heirlooms. Again, if you answer no, let it find a new home. Finally, do you have more than one? After all, who needs five pairs of scissors in one drawer? Our local donation list can help you decide where to give those no-longer-needed quality items.

When you’ve reached the end of the time you blocked out, or the end of your room, put the things you’re keeping away (methodically and neatly) and congratulate yourself. Turn on your favorite music and dance like no one’s watching. Get that stuff out of your system, shake loose all the anxiety and tension, and boogie – you did it!!

You’ve given yourself a new lease on life, and your space. You’ve just created room to receive what you really want. Now you can get clear about what that is.

Imagine how you’re going to feel when the whole house is clutter free.